I Hate Eating
That title’s a little rough isn’t it? Food isn’t bad in and of itself. I love tastes and I enjoy feeling full. I get hungry like lots of people do and I still eat (although I forget to sometimes). What I hate about food is the pain.
Some people might ask, “what’s painful about food?”
Well, it’s not what you think (unless you know me, then it is what you think). I have IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. A wide variety of foods set off powerful muscle spasms in my intestines (presumably down the entire length, not just the large intestine, since it prevents proper absorption of nutrients too (as evidenced by the rapid weight loss I get when I get a bad chain of attacks over a month or a few weeks). These spasms cause intense pain, the generation of gas, bloating, sometimes nausea and at their worst, they cause such burning napalm bowel movements. So every time I eat a meal, I have to think to myself, “will I be in unbearable pain for a half hour or longer from this?”
And the answer is usually, “yes.”
Some fairly common IBS triggers (and ones I have specifically) include high lipid content, grease, oils, onions, coffee (and other acidic fluids), very spicy food, milk, cheese and a host of other small ingredients and many heavily used perservatives. One I’m lucky I don’t have is a reaction to tomatoes. Some give higher chances of reactions than others, for instance onions always completely destroy me. Even small amounts.
Did you read that list closely? Guess how many foods are missing all of those things? Not a whole lot. And they’re often super expensive. So I am in pain, constantly. It basically plays out like chronic pain because I simply can’t avoid the foods that cause it all the time and still pay my bills. So I avoid eating sometimes. I skip meals. There are times when I just simply can not deal with the pain and being lightheaded and kinda woozy is preferable. It doesn’t help that a lot of places don’t even have low fat, dairyless, onion less options. Even if I could afford vegan food, it often has onions in it, making it just as dangerous to me. Food is literally pain and a lot of people don’t seem to get that when I eat at their house, I will likely need to use the bathroom an hour later for a while, in massive pain. Taking me on a date to get food is usually not conducive to sex later because I’ll pay for that food when we get back to your place.
People talk about how skinny I am as though its a good thing when my weight is starting to slowly drop into the unhealthy areas because I don’t eat very often and when I do, my body rejects it like a bad transplant. And when I tell people this? They tell me they wish they had IBS too. Of all the unbelievable able privileged, perspective fail fuckery that’s the one that enrages me the most. Yeah, I’m sure you want to spend every fucking day in pain. I’m sure you want to cry on the toilet from how much it hurts. I’m sure you want to have trouble sitting sometimes and feel so sick at times that people have had to carry you to a place to lay down. Yeah I’m sure you want to be afraid of food, to wonder, “oh god did someone use onion powder in that? Will this hurt me? Will that?” I’m sure you’d love it if people talk about you behind your back, wondering if you have an eating disorder when all you want to do is not feel mind breaking intestinal pain for one fucking day.
And then there’s the advice givers. “Oh why don’t you try this tea I know of?”, “just eat more fish”, “are you sure it isn’t just in your head?” They can all fuck the hell off. And especially the agenda droppers. Like the vegans who try to use me as an example of meat being bad. Excuse you, fuckjob, my IBS is not caused by meat. Some meats are just a trigger. Get your fucking agenda off my body.
I don’t want to lose more weight. I want to be able to eat and enjoy my food and not worry about whether a napalm explosion is gonna come out of me later or if I’m going to bloat to the point that I can’t walk anymore because it hurts too much. So yeah. Me and food? Not fucking friends.
And I’m tired of the bullshit I get for it.
Filed under: personal, rant | 47 Comments
Tags: ableism, disability, food, fuck this fuckery, IBS, pain